Just a vent

Have you ever had one of those days when life just totally lets you down? Sometimes it's the hope that something better will happen or come along, or that "this is just one stepping stone in life", but when you keep getting knocked down it really starts to wear you down. Besides the fact that I have lost the most important thing in life besides my kids recently, I had always held on to the hope that I would one day be able to complete my dream of going to BYU. I had wanted to go there ever since I can remember. Getting accepted to attend the Provo campus was a dream come true to me. It may not seem like a big deal to some, especially those who don't like that school or have other favorites-but to me, coming from a small town and not having those friendships with people who had the same values of me, it was everything. I loved going there! My biggest regret was not finishing school when I had the chance, before kids and life took over. A few years ago BYU started the independant study program which allowed for people who had taken a break from school but had actually attended to go back and get their degree. I was so excited and applied and after completing a special course, you could get readmitted. I worked hard to do that course and was accepted into the program. Despite helping my husband run a business, running a household with 4 small kids and being relief society president at the time, I did it. I got in, again. But as usual, life took over again-we bought a house and moved, Mike decided to quit his job and finally get the degree to further his education to support our family. I knew it was for the best for him to get his degree because he was the bread winner. He was the rock of our family. I wanted to do everything I could to help him. I took different jobs that would allow me to help out financially as must as possible. I didn't want him to have to worry while he was studying and working to get his degree. I know how hard it is to work and try to do school at the same time, so I did what I could do to help support the family and still maintain a household where my family knew I loved them and took care of them. I cleaned hotel rooms, and for the better half of the time worked taking incoming calls from home, which was a huge blessing even though for most of the time there, I was stressed to the max. I would have days where the calls were okay and I knew the answers. Some days were harder then others, when I would have men call and ask me things that were filthy and would have me in tears or I would have people yelling at me because I didn't deliver their package or their credit card was declined. Or the best ones were when I didn't send them all the parts that they needed. (Yeah it was me personally ruining their lives) It was so ridiculous at times. But I did it. I sometimes got up at before 4 in the morning to work, so I could get in my hours so I could make it to volunteer at my kids classroom that day, or attend a field trip. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this for pity, I'm just venting. I applied for financial aid so that I could go back to school myself finally since all the kids are in school full time. That was the plan. Mike would finish school and then it would be my turn. But recently circumstances have changed and I have to be the breadwinner in my own house. I wanted to go back to my school and get that degree from BYU that I had always dreamed of. I know it's an expensive school, but I didn't have a lot of dreams left. Today after waiting for a few weeks now to hear back from financial aid, I called them. I was told that under the umbrella act, BYU doesn't afford financial aid unless you are taking at least 1 class on campus now. That includes Stafford loans, pell grants, etc. I can't afford it now. I'm heartbroken. I feel defeated and kicked down everyday. I know I can apply somewhere else, and I know that's what I'll have to end up doing. It's hard thinking of all the credits that won't transfer and how much longer it's going to take now. I can do it though. I have to do it. I have to do it for my kids and myself to better our lives. Things that I thought would always be in my life no longer exist and I can't count on life to be fair. Life isn't fair.